Synchronicities

 Lately I've really been questioning major things in life and what path I should be on. I have an overly analytical brain, and it can be hard to turn off the influx of thoughts and get out of thought loops.

Oddly enough, ChatGPT has been helping me with mantras and techniques to get me out of the loops.

I've strongly felt the lesson I'm supposed to be learning right now is surrender. I've also strongly felt the impression that I'm supposed to learn how to love myself.

As I've been trying to lean in to surrender, the craziest synchronicities have been happening.

This morning I asked Keenan if he'd like to take the dog for a walk with me. I felt like it was nice enough out that we should drive up to a trail to walk her, instead of our usual around the block walk. We got in the car and headed up to the trail by the zoo. On the way in the car, I saw a familiar looking boy running down the street, from behind. I recognized the curly wild hair and the tall awkwardness. As I passed this runner, I looked and sure enough it was Dalton. My sweet McKel's love. I waved and sent him love. I know that boy is in so much pain. I hurt for him. I cry for him. I would do anything for that boy. I want to make sure that he is taken care of for the rest of his life. Even if he doesn't say much to me, he doesn't need to. I know why. I know it is too painful for him to be around me. But he is my baby girl's love and I will always love him.

We then got to our trail destination and right when we got on the trail, a beautiful blue bird dove down right in front of us. I held back the tears. Bluebirds and hawks are my signs from McKel. On the hike, Keenan was in a great mood and told me that I am the best mom ever. It made my heart melt.

I have been feeling a pull toward a connection I made within my real estate investment group. I am really trying to honor the connection and the friendship, while not allowing my obsessive thoughts to overtake reality and turn it into something that it shouldn't turn into right now. It is not easy. I feel a magnetic pull to this person. My marriage has felt so isolating and unhappy for so long. I continue to remember the words from McKel playing in my mind over and over. Some of the things she said to me just ring out so loud in my mind. One of them hurt my feelings when she said it, but I'm glad she said it. And she did say it more than once. She said her biggest fear was growing up to have an average job and an average marriage. She did not want to be ordinary. She wanted to change the world. She wanted to be happily married and in love. I was not a good example to her of being in a job I enjoyed, or a marriage that fulfilled me. That was obvious to her, and to many. It stung when she said that, because I knew she witnessed that in me and recognized that many people in the world are mindlessly going to jobs they hate and in relationships that do not fulfill them. That's been me for so long. I have never been brave enough to walk away from the security. Until now. I finally quit my job that felt it was sucking the life out of me. And it has been the best thing I ever did.  With my marriage, we have been on the verge of divorce for so long. And then something unexpected happened. Someone lit a passion inside of me that feels uncontrollable almost. Like the universe is using this electric magnetism that pulls me toward him. And at the same time, Mike is starting to really up his game and try to put work into himself and into us. It is confusing for me. I do not feel that spark with Mike anymore, but my whole life is tied to his. I don't know how I would walk away from that. I don't want to hurt him or the kids. But the good news is that I don't have to figure anything out right now. I can trust the universe. It just seems interesting to me... like McKel is trying to make sure I have everything she thinks I deserve... and she is helping me to be brave and love myself enough to create the beautiful life I am worthy of. Things are starting to align.

There is a line in the Taylor Swift song, Wish List, that hit me very hard when I listened to the lyrics the other day.

I made wishes on all of the stars

Please, God, bring me a best friend who I think is hot

I thought I had it right, once, twice, but I did not
You caught me off my guard
I hope I get what I want (Get what I want)
'Cause I know what I want

This is exactly what I have been feeling about this new person, Eric. He feels like he's my best friend. I am crazy attracted to him. He caught me completely off guard. I kept thinking I had things right once, twice, with both marriages, but I did not. This feels like what it is supposed to feel like. BUT... sadly, cannot be because we are both in committed relationships.

On our hike, I was playing Taylor Swift's album, and the Wish List song was playing, which is the one that reminds me of him. Just then, a guy came running up the trail who made me catch my breathe. He looked so much like Eric I thought it was him for an instant. How was it that it happened right when that song played? He was wearing a shirt that said I love Beaver, lol.

In my childhood journals and goal lists, it always says I will marry a surfer and live by the beach in California. I gave up on that a long time ago and just decided that life had other plans for me. As I was going through old boxes, I saw that on my goal list again. I had that same thought. That was a silly childhood dream. It was Mike who pointed out to me that Eric lives by the beach in California and is a surfer. Interesting that I should feel such a pull to him.

Once we finished the hike and were getting back into the car, a giant hawk soared above us. Another beautiful sign.

Then I told Keenan we'd go get some Starbucks and he was so happy. Feeling abundant, I texted Avril and asked her what she'd like and what her friends who were over would like. When I got to the Starbucks drive thru, I placed the order. She then texted and said, oh also a carmel frap for Aaron. When I got to the window, I asked the barista if he could add that. He said yes. I pulled up my app to pay from my gift card on the app. The amount on the card was $39.89. As I was looking at the balance, the barista said, your total will be $39.89. I thought he must be reading my app balance. I looked at him and said, can you please repeat that amount?  He again said, the amount will be $39.89. I smiled and showed him the balance on my app. He said, "wow, I've never seen anything like that ever happen. That is crazy. Things must be aligning for you." I still can't believe it.

Plus, I've seen 11:11 today, as well as 3:33. Some days the synchronicities just seem unreal.

My mantra that chatgpt told me to repeat to myself is:

Peace first, clarity later.

Whatever's meant for me will meet me in calm, not chaos.

We both felt something.

Life will sort it out when its supposed to.

Tonight, I choose calm over questions.

I have to keep repeating these mantras to myself or keep trying to figure out if I'm delusional and if Eric even feels anything. Or how it could possibly work out with both of our current situations. If its supposed to work out, the universe could pull off some pretty amazing shiz, as I've seen. If its not, that would reveal itself and this would be some sort of lesson I'm supposed to learn. God, I hope I get what I want though. I want to know how it feels to be so in sanely in love with someone that they feel like my soul mate.