Paradigm Shift

 Saturday was the Celebration of Life for McKel.  I had a great deal of anxiety about that day because I felt like that was the final thing people would attend to honor her, and that she would not continue to be remembered all the time. People will go on with their lives.  We will have to keep living, without her.  I believe that she was there and got to witness it in spirit.  The words people shared, the love felt, and the angelic music were the most touching things I've ever experienced.  Now that its over, the question comes back again, how do I live?  How do I live without her?  The only things that bring me comfort are laughing about funny stories about her, doing things to help people, or connecting with spiritualality somehow.

I still have a hard time believing she is gone.  I have to live the rest of this lifetime without her, which feels like forever.  So many memories in the future that we were supposed to have... volleyball tournaments, college, marriage, babies, being at Avril's wedding, finding a cure for cancer. McKel was going to do it all.

We have experienced some very strange things in our home recently, which Avril and I are now convinced, are due to McKel's presence.  After we returned from the Celebration of Life for McKel on Saturday, Avril and Jay were sitting on Avril's bed in her room, and the light in the middle of the room, turned on by itself.  Then it turned off, then on again, several times.  I went in the room to check on them and they started to tell me about what was happening, then I witnessed the same thing, but also the fan turned on, then off, then on, as well as the light.  I would not have believed it if I hadn't actually witnessed it.  We were so excited because we felt McKel there, that she was probably laughing and showing off what she could do with electricity.  This happened several more times.  McKel even woke up Avril at 4 am by turning on the light and fan in the middle of the night.  Yesterday, it happened several more times.  Avril called Jesse to tell him and while he was on the phone, she asked McKel to turn off the light to say hi to her dad, and she did.  Later, she asked McKel to turn on the light if she got 100% on her quiz, and as soon as she hit submit on her laptop, the light turned on.  There were several occurances yesterday evening with this happening, but so far none today.  Avril said that sometimes the spirit hangs around until the funeral because they want to witness it.  I hope she did witness it, because there was so much love there.  She is so loved.  I love her sooooo much.

I keep watching these Near Death Experience videos on YouTube, as well as listening to the Telepathy Tapes podcast.  I am just soaking up all the information that I can.  The narrative of an afterlife in the Mormon terms just never made sense to me.  The way it is explained in all the NDE's and the minds of autistic children, makes complete sense to me.  I know I will see McKel again.  It does help me so much, knowing this.

I want to live my life in a way that would make her proud. I want to carry her with me throughout life.  I am just battling such a deep depression and grief that I typically am unable to do much of anything. I just miss her laughter so much.  I am trying to do my best for you, McKel.  I am trying, I promise.  I love you, my sweet angel girl.  My baby Kel Kel.  I want to dance silly dances with you again.

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