Life After Grief

 McKel makes sure that she lets us know she is still around.  The electricity continues to do amazing things in our home. This morning while I was sitting in McKel's room meditating, the light turned on. Earlier this week, McKel turned the light on in Avril's room, then Keenan's room.  When I noticed Keenan's light on, I asked him how it turned on.  He smiled and just said, it turned on by itself while I was sitting here on my computer.  I asked him if he knew how it turned on.  He smiled and said, "McKel.".  He then came to sit on my lap and looked up at the light and said, "McKel, I love you and you are the best sister ever."  He then got up and stood under the light and hugged the air.  I took a photo, it was so sweet. I then went back to Avril's room and was talking with her.  As we were talking, I noticed the light turn on from underneath the door in McKel's room.  Then we heard the beeping noise from the giant fan in the livin...

 I joined a group called Helping Parents Heal, for parents who have lost a child.  So many posts I can relate to... unfortunately.  This post was very well said, so I will just copy it: The Club No One Ever Wants to Be a Part Of Yes, we are part of that club, unfortunately, unforgettably. The club of absolute, life-altering pain. The club of the saddes stories with the most beautiful angel faces I have ever seen. The club where every single one of us is shattered. The club where we may pick up the pieces, but we will never truly be whole again. The club where behind every smile, is still the pain. It's the club I wish none of us ever had to be in. But if I had to choose the people to stand beside me in the fight of my life, it would be this club. These people. The club of the scrappiest souls I ever met. The club built on resilience, perseverance, and unwavering faith in more. The club filled with the biggest hearts and the deepest compassion this world has ever known. Th...

 Saturday was the Celebration of Life for McKel.  I had a great deal of anxiety about that day because I felt like that was the final thing people would attend to honor her, and that she would not continue to be remembered all the time. People will go on with their lives.  We will have to keep living, without her.  I believe that she was there and got to witness it in spirit.  The words people shared, the love felt, and the angelic music were the most touching things I've ever experienced.  Now that its over, the question comes back again, how do I live?  How do I live without her?  The only things that bring me comfort are laughing about funny stories about her, doing things to help people, or connecting with spiritualality somehow. I still have a hard time believing she is gone.  I have to live the rest of this lifetime without her, which feels like forever.  So many memories in the future that we were supposed to have... volleyball to...

I spent last night watching videos of people recounting their Near Death Experiences.  I keep searching for something that is helpful to why I should keep on going in life and holding on to any glimpse of hope that I will be able to see McKel again. I cannot make sense of why each NDE seems to be different, based on the culture, faith, etc. of the person experiencing it.  That seems to be a brain thing. The part that seems to be universal in every experience, is that the purpose of everything is unconditional love.  People describe out of body experiences, where the body is just a limited physical tool/filter to experience this life, but that we are actually part of something much greater and brilliant.  Time is not linear, there is purpose to everything, and we are loved and cherished. I have to rely on faith and hope.  To me, there seems to be a large amount of evidence that these are real experiences.  If they are real, suggesting life after death, then ...

 I am sitting at the dentist office for my oldest daughter Avril's dentist appointment.  Normally there would be 2 girls, 2 best friends, 2 sisters, together here for their appointment.  There would be laughter and asking if they have to go right back to school after.  I had to cancel the appointment for McKel.  When asked why... "she passed away".  Words I never thought I would have to say.  The look of shock on people's faces every time I have to say those words to cancel appointment, cancel bank accounts, close college savings, cancel insurance, volleyball teams.... the whole life of an exhuberant, active, beautiful child is gone. I don't know how to grieve this deep of grief. It feels like life should not continue.  For anyone.  The brightest light is gone from this world, and somehow it keeps going.  Don't people know what has been lost in the world?  How do I pretend to go through all the normal social motions of being alive o...